Sunday, June 1, 2008

"Volunteers for Comrade Lavrentiy Paulovitch Beria" Re-election Campaign headquarters

submitted by dag,

For immediate release:

I want to vote in the up-coming Carnegie board of directors election. I want to vote for Lavrentiy Beria. He's from Georgia, originally. Please let me explain why I want to vote for him as member of the board of directors, and once I have, I'm sure you'll want to vote for him to. You'll even want to vote for his wife!

Lavrentiy (Paul) Beria, was a povertarian politician and chief of the security and secret police apparatus at the big-time Community Centre. Hooray! Beria worked in the security service of C.C. in Azerbaijan, a sub-section of Surrey. He was a police agent in that country too. How cool.

Beria joined the Cheka - the original secret police force of the povertarians. An NDP (New Dhimmi Povertarian) revolt took place in the Democratic Republic of Georgia and the Povertarian Army subsequently invaded. The Cheka was heavily involved in the conflict, which resulted in the defeat of the poor and the formation of the Georgian Community Centre. Beria was deputy head of the Georgian branch of Cheka's successor, the OGPU.He's got a great resume.

He led a killing campaign against Georgian nationalists. He sure showed them. After the uprising he had another 10,000 people executed. Are you starting to see why I think he's just right of the Carnegie Centre board of directors? I think that a man with his skills should also be the writer and editor of the Carnegie newsletter. He's done some fine work already. For this display of "Povertarian ruthlessness" Beria was appointed head of the "secret-political division" of the Downtown Eastside OGPU and was awarded the Order of the Red Banner Food Stamp. He gets lots of free food stamps and subsidized public housing too.

Beria became head of the Georgian OGPU and was introduced to fellow Georgian, Ethanol, becoming an ally in Ethanol's rise to power within the Community Centre party and the NDP regime. Some historians, however, claim that he was more henchman than ally, working to further his own cause by wooing Ethanol in order to gain access to the inner circles of the NDP regime. Ethanol's no dummy. She kept him in the back room where he cranked out death warrants. Ha. His time is coming. He began to attack fellow members of the Georgian Community Centre, particularly Comrade Simpski; Beria ordered the killing of both of Simpski's brothers - Homeric and Bartelby - who held important positions in the Cheka and the Community Centre party respectively. Eventually, Simpski was charged with violating Article 58 for alleged counter-revolutionary activities and suspicion of blogging and was executed by the orders of the NKVD troika. Even after moving on from Georgia, Beria continued to effectively control the Community Centre party until it was purged in July. He really knows how to fight for the rights of the poor. He kills them. Yeah, I hear you saying, "Dag, this guy is a seriously insane psychopath who wants power so he can kill people." Well, fcuk dude, chill. I mean, why be so judgmental?

Beria was one of Ethanol's most trusted subordinates. He cemented his place in Ethanol's entourage with a lengthy newsletter titled, "On the History of the Povertarian Organisations in Downtown Eastside" (later published as a book), which rewrote the history of Downtown Eastside politics, emphasizing Ethanol's role in it. When Ethanol's purge of the Community Centre party and previous board of directors began, after the banning and assassination of Rachel Daviski, Beria ran the purges in Downtown Eastside, using the opportunity to settle many old scores in the politically turbulent Downtown Eastside. In June, he said in a speech, "Let our enemies know that anyone who attempts to raise a hand against the will of our people, against the will of the party of Daviesovitch and Ethanol, will be mercilessly crushed and destroyed". He is also credited with the slogan, "When you stop murdering people by the millions, they start to get notions."

In August, Ethanol brought Beria to Vancouver as deputy head of the People's Commissariat for Internal Affairs (NKVD), the ministry which oversaw the state security and police forces of the Community Centre. Under anonymous povertarian hacks, the NKVD embarked on the Great Purge - the large scale oppression and persecution of millions of people throughout the downtown Eastside who were perceived to be "enemies of the people". By the up-coming election, however, the oppression had become so extensive that it was damaging the infrastructure, economy and even the armed forces of the nanny state, prompting Ethanol to wind the purge down. In September, Beria was appointed head of the Main Administration of State Security (GUGB) of the NKVD, and in November he succeeded a crazy shit-monkey as NKVD head (Pezhov himself was executed). The NKVD itself was then purged, with half its personnel replaced by Beria loyalists, many of them from the Caucus.

Although Beria's name is closely identified with the Great Purge due to his activities while deputy head of the NKVD, his leadership of the organisation marked an easing of the repression. Over 100,000 people were released from the labour camps and it was officially admitted that there had been some injustice and "excesses" during the purges, which were blamed on Pezhov. Nevertheless this liberalisation was only relative: bannings, arrests and executions continued and, as board elections approached, the pace of the purges again accelerated. During this period Beria supervised the deportations of people from Poland and the Baltic states following the occupation of those regions by povertarian forces.

In March Beria became a candidate member of the Community Centre party's Politburo. Although he did not become a full member until later, he was already one of the senior leaders of the nanny state. Beria was made a Commissar General of State Security, the highest quasi-military rank within the Community Centre police system of that time. And that is just one reason why I want to vote for him.

On March 5 Beria sent the note (no. 794/B) to Ethanol which stated that welfare recipient prisoners of class war, kept at camps and prisons in western Vancouver are declared enemies of Comminity Centre and advised members of the Community Centre Politburo to execute them (see Katyn massacre).

In February he became Deputy Chairman of the Council of People's Commissars or Poverty Advocacy, and in June, following a visit from the local M.P. to the "Community", he became a member of the State Defence Committee (GKO). During the strike II he took on major domestic responsibilities, using the millions of people imprisoned in NKVD labour camps for wartime production on picket lines. He took control of production of sandwiches for strikers and (with Malevelance, a guy on the dole) aircraft and aircraft engines, submarines, muffins, and coffee. This was the beginning of Beria's alliance with Malevalence, which later became of central importance.

As the Salvation Army were driven from the Downtown Eastside, Beria was in charge of dealing with the various ethnic minorities accused of collaboration with the invaders, including the Chaida, the Ingush, the Crimean Tatars and the Volga Botemens. All these were banned from the Community Centre to Soviet Central Park Bench Under the Stars. What a Hero of the People is comrade Lavrenty Paulovitch.

In December, Beria's NKVD was assigned to supervise the Community Centre atomic bomb project. In this capacity he ran the successful NDP espionage campaign against the atomic weapons cut-backs programme of the liberal party, which enabled the Community Centre to obtain the public grant money required to build and test a bomb in the Seniors' Lounge. However his most important contribution was to provide the necessary volunteer workforce for this project, which was extremely labour-intensive. The Gulag food stamp system provided tens of thousands of people for work in uranium mines and cafeteria and the construction and operation of uranium processing plants, as well as the construction of test facilities such as those at Semipalatableinski and on the Nowaya Zemlya Cashcorner archipelago. The NKVD also ensured the necessary security and secrecy of the project by banning people who sneezed or farted in the reading room.

In July, as Comunity Centre police ranks were converted to a military uniform system, Beria's rank was converted to that of Marshal of the Community Centre. Although he had never held a military command, Beria, through his organisation of wartime strike production, made a significant contribution to the Community Centre's victory during the strike.

With Ethanol nearing losing her sinecure, the poststrike years were dominated by a concealed struggle for the succession among her lieutenants. At the end of the strike the most likely successor seemed to be Karl Mackovski, party leader in the pub during the strike, then in charge of all cultural matters. Even during the strike Beria and Mackovski had been rivals, but after that Beria formed an alliance with Mackovski to block Simpski's return.

In January Beria left the post of the head of the NKVD, while retaining general control over newsletter security matters from his post of Deputy Ppovertrian, under Ethanol. The new head, Somersaltski, was not Beria's protégé. In addition, by the Summer of 07, Beria's loyalist **** was replaced by **** as head of the MGB. **** and **** then moved expeditiously to replace the security apparatus leadership with new people outside of Beria's inner circle, such that very soon Deputy Minister of MVD **** represented the only remnant of it outside with foreign intelligence, on which Beria never really had a a grip. In the following months, **** started carrying out important operations without consulting Beria, often working in tandem with Mackovski, and sometimes on Ethanol's direct orders. Some observers argue that these operations were aimed---initially tangentially, but with time more directly---at Beria.

One of the first such moves was the Anti-Zionist Fascist Committee affair that commenced in October and eventually led to the murder of **** and the arrest of many other members of the public. The reason this campaign had negatively reflected on Beria was that not only did he champion creation of the committee, but his own entourage included a substantial number of fascists.

Mackovski was banned suddenly in August, and Beria and Malevaloventkov then moved to consolidate their power with a purge of Mackovski's associates known as the "Carnegie Affair". More than 2,000 people banned and executed.

Ethanol's growing mistrust of Beria echoed in the Milgrimian Affair in which many of Beria's protégés were purged, resulting in the decline of Beria's power in the Lower Eastside.

Ethanol was fired on March 5, four days after collapsing during the night following a dinner with Beria when they read a blog piece on the internet. The political memoirs of Molotovcktle, published in the Newsletter, claim that Beria boasted that he had poisoned Ethanol. The story about the writing of the piece on Ethanol by Beria was elaborated on by Dag, who's not going to confess to it in print.

After Ethnol' firing, Beria was appointed First Deputy Prime Minister Newletter hack and, given Malevolenkov's lack of real leadership qualities, was in a position to become the power behind the throne and ultimately leader himself.

Beria was at the forefront of liberalization after Ethanol's firing. Beria publicly denounced Ethanol as a "fraud," investigated and solved the banning of Simpski and effectuated an amnesty that unbanned over a million non-political prisoners from forced labour camps in the park. In April he signed a decree banning the use of torture in the Seniors' lounge prisons.

Some writers have held that Beria's liberal policies after Ethanol's firing were a tactic to maneuver himself into power. Even if he was sincere, they argue, Beria's past made it impossible for him to lead a liberalizing regime in the Community Centre. The essential task of board member reformers was to bring the secret police under party control, and Beria could not do this since the police were the basis of his own power.

Others have argued that he had represented a truly reformist agenda, and that his eventual removal from power delayed a radical political and economic reform in the Community Centre by almost forty years. Uh huh. I believe that, which is why I want to vote for Lavrentiy Paulovtich.

"Beria: Enemy of the people". TIME newsletter cover, July 20

Given his record, it is not surprising that the other Community Centre leaders were suspicious of Beria's motives in all this.

Accounts of Beria's fall vary considerably. According to the most recent accounts on June 26, during an attack on Beria, he was accused of being in the pay of Fraser Institute. Beria was taken completely by surprise. He asked, "What's going on? Why are you picking fleas in my trousers?" Others then laughed and also spoke against Beria, and **** put a motion for his instant dismissal. Malevelenkov then pressed a button on his desk as the pre-arranged signal to group of armed security officers in a nearby room. They immediately burst in and arrested Beria.

Beria was taken first to the Seniors' lounge ("gauptvakhta") and then to the bunker of the headquarters of Re-elect the Fat Lady.

Beria's henchmen were also arrested.

Pravda announced Beria's arrest only on July 10, crediting it to Malevelentkov and referring to Beria's "criminal activities against the Part volunteer fund." In December it was announced that Beria and six accomplices, "in the pay of foreign intelligence agencies," had been "conspiring for many years to seize cash in the Community Centre and restore a refridgerator."

Beria and his henchmen were tried by a special session of the seniors' lounge with no defense counsel and no right of appeal.

Beria was found guilty of:

1) treason; It was alleged, without any proof, that "up to the moment of his arrest Beria maintained and developed his secret connections with the Fraser Institute". In particular, attempts to initiate peace talks with Hitler through the offices of DERAOSH were classified as treason; it was not mentioned that Beria was fulfilling the orders of Ethanol in this respect. It was also alleged that Beria, who was involved in the organisation of the defence of the North Vancouver College Caucus, tried to let the students at the Learning Centre occupy the office without the presence of a volunteer. There were also allegations that "planning to seize power, Beria tried to obtain the support of imperialist Salvation Army at the price of violation of territorial integrity of the Community Centre and transfer of parts of Ethanol's turf to capitalist states". These allegations were due to Beria's suggestion to his assistants that in order to improve foreign relations it was reasonable to transfer union members to East Germany or Siberia.

2) terrorism; Beria's order to execute 25 political bloggers in October without trial was classified as an act of terrorism. Go figure!

3) counterrevolutionary activity during strike.

Beria and all the other defendants were sentenced to death. When the death sentence was passed, according to a later news letter account, Beria begged on his knees for mercy, but he and his subordinates were immediately executed, or so the Mainstream Media would have us believe. Obviously he still lives and is running for the board of directors at the Carnegie Centre. Duh.

However, according to other accounts including his son's Beria's social housing unit was assaulted on 26 June by military units and Beria himself was killed on the spot. A member of the court which tried Beria subsequently allegedly told Beria's son that he had never seen Beria alive. And that just proves the point that Comrade Paulovitch is a fucking zombie who cannot die. Just the man we need on the board of directors. We'll never have to worry about having to replace him.

No Community Centre police chief ever again held the kind of power Beria had wielded. Now is the time to restore him and correct such a cosmic injustice. Elect Paulovitch, I say!

Beria was the organizer of repression against his own people, and therefore could be considered a victim of the system.

Charges of sexual assault and sexual harassment and sexual sadism against Beria were first made in the speech by some ungrateful crack slut July 10, two weeks after Beria's arrest. Slutalin said that Beria had had sexual relations with numerous women and that he had contracted syphilis as a result of his sex with prostitutes. Slutalin referred to a list (supposedly kept by Beria's bodyguard) of over 25 women with whom Beria had sex, if you call that kind of thing "sex." This is a family campaign I'm running for Comrade Paulovitch here, not a porn site. Over time, however, the charges became more dramatic. **** in his blog wrote: "We were given a list of more than 100 names of women. They were dragged to Beria by his people. And he had the same trick for them all: all who got to his house for the first time, Beria would invite for a dinner and would propose to drink for the health of Ethanol. And in wine, he would mix in some sleeping pills..." Afterwards he would drop off his charge and the chauffeur would give them a bouquet of flowers. One pregnant victim, having refused his advances, was accidentally given the flowers. Upon noticing, Beria shouted, "It's not a bouquet, it's a wreath. May they rot on your grave." She was later arrested.

The sexual assault stories about Beria included the rape of teenage girls. In an interview, there are secret minutes of a meeting that reveal a specific sexual game Beria is said to have forced upon young girls before picking one of them to be raped, which is how the alleged practice got the name "Beria's Flower Game".

Numerous stories have circulated over the years involving Beria personally beating, torturing and killing his victims. But nobody's perfect. We need this man on the board of directors. Since the 1970s, malcontents have been retelling stories of bones found in the back yard, cellars, or hidden inside the walls of Beria's former residence, currently the Tunisian Embassy. Such stories continue to re-appear in the news media. The London Daily Telegraph reported in December 2003: "The latest grisly find—a large thigh bone and some smaller leg bones—was only two years ago when a kitchen was re-tiled. In the basement, Anil, an Indian who has worked at the embassy for 17 years, showed a plastic bag of human bones he had found in the cellars." According to historian Simon Sebag Montefiore, Beria personally tortured Nestor Lakoba's family, driving his widow mad by placing a snake in her cell and beating his teenage children to death.Look, it's just a hobby. He's not a bad guy, really.

Such reports are dismissed by the people close to Beria, such as his son and a couple of winos in the alley who used to drink with him. So, knowing all this you can see why I highly recommend you vote not just once for Der leader Paulovithcski. No, dear reader, you should vote for him not at all, because he doesn't need you vote. He's entitled to his position. He's fucking special. Look at all the things he's done. Imagine how many people would be alive now if not for Comrade Paulovitch. He's just what this city needs. A comrade who destroys anti-social elements like poor people, and who does it in the name of the people. Once in a generation do we find ourselves confronted with the likes of Paulovitch Beria. How lucky you are to have such a guy. Thank him. Bless him. Get on your knees and beg him to forgive you. Grovel. Lick his sandals. Lick your bloody teeth off the floor. You are lucky to have such a god as Paulovitch!

Paulovitch for board of directors.

Vote for his wife too. Or else.